How Can We Support Those Who Are Going Through Divorce?

Mette Harrison is a novelist who also works in the financial industry. She was blindsided by her husband’s leaving her after six kids and 30 years of marriage. She also lost half of her friends. Sound familiar? According to a 2013 study headed by Brown University scholar Rose McDermott, if people in your close social network divorce, the risk of your marriage ending greatly increases. The result is that many divorced people find themselves losing not only a mate but the family home, their lifestyle and their friends.

Learning to accept and ask for help

One woman who was mourning the loss of friends also admits that “I didn’t know what I needed even when people asked.” One friend offered a bed until Ms. Harrison could find an apartment; another walked her through a frank assessment of her financial situation. A third texted every day for a year — a simple back and forth that she depended on to calm her panic in the early months. Her older brother set up a recurring monthly payment for rent and food plus a wish list on Amazon.

I can’t fix it, but I’m here for you

There are many ways to help those slammed by the shame, shock and economic panic of a separation or divorce. Ashley Mead, a New York psychotherapist who specializes in divorce, recommends connection. “Divorcees are losing the person they have been most connected to for their whole lives,” said Ms. Mead in an email. “They are often desperate and feel incredible shame.”

“Show up,” but forget “I told you so.” If you don’t know what to say, try this: “I know I can’t fix it but I am here for you. Trying to cheer someone up is often about calming our own discomfort.” Ensure that your friend has a place to vent, cry, laugh and think out loud.” Don’t stop inviting divorced friends to parties just because they are single. Call them on holidays even years after the divorce is over. Remember that it takes a few years to make new friends and rebuild a social network. A supportive person helps you see yourself in a bright next chapter, not someone who urges you to complain or stay mired in victim mode.

Offer to help with small projects

Divorce often means that now there’s just one person to manage daily chores–carpooling, paying bills, yard work. If you’re looking for creative ways to support a friend, think about offering to babysit one night/week, helping clean house once/month, car repair or small projects around the house.

Grief, loss and validation

For those who tell their friends they’re divorcing and their friends respond with “Great!”–that’s validation that it’s way past time to get out of a bad relationship. The language around divorce is all about failure, but sometimes it’s a victory that can help people make needed change.

The economics of divorce

The economic impact of almost every divorce hits hard; studies show that income may drop, especially for women. In an earlier article, we noted women’s standard of living may drop 27%. Details around spousal and child support take months and to get ironed out. Sydney Petite left her marriage in July of 2018 with three children. While she was awarded support from her ex-husband, she didn’t receive any payments for nearly three years. “I am where I am today because of unexpected support,” she said.

Other avenues of support could include gathering friends to pay for a few hours of an attorney’s time or organizing meal deliveries. “It can take years to get back to a stable financial situation,” said Alex Beattie, co-founder of Divide and Thrive, a downloadable financial divorce tool. “Dropping off a few meals or a few movie tickets can lighten someone’s spirits without costing much.”

Guideway’s Divorce and Mediation Services

Guideway has been assisting Bay Area couples with Divorce for nearly 20 years. While the majority of our clients may not have worked out the details, they know they are willing to reach agreement on division of assets and a parenting plan—and those are the critical components of an Amicable Divorce. Our Guided Mediation is for couples whose Divorce has stalled for whatever reasons. We guide you through it, and we prepare the legal documents. Schedule an appointment with Guideway today.

Guideway services the entire Bay Area

Berkeley, El Cerrito, Richmond, Pinole, Alameda, San Leandro, Castro Valley Newark, San Lorenzo, Concord, Alamo, Danville, Lafayette, Orinda, Moraga, Pleasant Hill, Martinez, Pittsburg, Antioch, Brentwood, Oakley, Discovery Bay, Pleasanton, San Ramon, Livermore, Tracy and Fremont. Our clients also live in the Napa Valley, Benicia, Vallejo, Martinez, Fairfield.

This article based on an article in The New York Times.

Power of Attorney: There’s Always Room for Family Conflict

Anyone who grew up in a dysfunctional family understands the potential for discord when it comes to the family estate and an inheritance. But even in the closest of families, if there’s money involved, there’s room for conflict.

Power of Attorney: Choose the person you can trust

In Alana’s case, the dust was still settling on her third divorce, and one of her kids was in and out of rehab for substance abuse. The youngest of three siblings, Alana always struggled to measure up to her rock-star brother and sister—they were the ones who excelled at everything they did, winning awards, graduating with honors and building successful careers. She was the one who always seemed to make a mess of everything.

And now her parents had named her brother their Agent for their Power of Attorney. She was hurt because this was something she had wanted to do—a chance to redeem herself to her family. But the fact that her own financial affairs were a mess and she couldn’t balance her own checkbook led her father to appoint her investment banker brother. It was he who would also be the Executor of the estate. Her sister, a doctor, would be their parents’ Agent for their Healthcare Directives. Alana was left out once again.

Your Power of Attorney is the person who will act on your behalf if you become incapacitated, the one who will take over your financial affairs, pay your bills and taxes, open bank accounts, withdraw funds, cash checks and trade stocks. It must be someone you trust; ideally, it’s someone who lives close by.

Parents tend to appoint one of their children as Power of Attorney for practical reasons. Many put their faith in their oldest child or choose the son or daughter who lives closest or the one who has a financial services background. In the same vein, for their Agent for an Advance Healthcare Directive, parents are likely to choose a son or daughter with healthcare experience.

There are limits on the powers of the Power of Attorney designation

• Right to information. The parent does not have to disclose to friends and family whom he or she named as Agent under the Power of Attorney. Likewise, that Agent is not obligated to provide information about the parent to his or her siblings.
• Limits on the powers of a Power of Attorney. A Power of Attorney designation does not enable the Agent to do whatever he or she wants. An Agent cannot change the principal’s will, breach his or her fiduciary duty or change or transfer the Power of Attorney designation to someone else.
• Power of Attorney expires at death. When the parent dies, the Power of Attorney ends and the Executor of the estate – appointed by either the principal or the court – takes control over the decedent’s property.
• Revocation of a Power of Attorney. The parent can revoke whomever he/she has appointed as the Power of Attorney. The revocation must be in writing and the former Agent Power of Attorney should be advised of the revocation.

Avoiding the potential for sibling discord

Sometimes conflict is inevitable. One child may be resentful that he or she was not chosen. Another child may not trust the chosen sibling to act according to the parent’s wishes. Just knowing that a Power of Attorney can be challenged in court is often enough for a sibling to act on his or her distrust or resentment. To minimize confrontations, as the principal appointing the Power of Attorney, there are alternative solutions:

• Designate co-Agents in the Power of Attorney document. Appointing two persons can be problematic if the Agents cannot get along. You could create separate responsibilities for each Agent, but that can be unwieldy and still can lend itself to conflict.
• Avoid appointing a family member altogether. Name a close friend, fiduciary or a bank. Avoiding conflicts and court involvement is important to ensure your wishes will be followed.

A Living Trust: One of the most thoughtful things you can do for your family

A Living Trust is a legal document that contains instructions for what you want to happen to your assets when you die. For my family, it meant that when my parents died, all of their affairs were in order, they had transferred all of their assets into the Living Trust and identified their heirs. Without a Living Trust, their estate would have gone into Probate and my brother and I would have been dealing with this long, expensive process—even while mourning the death of our parents.

Guideway is proud of our comprehensive Living Trust package that includes a Power of Attorney and Advanced Healthcare Directive. Best of all, we guide you through it and we prepare the legal documents. Schedule an appointment with Guideway today.

Guideway services the entire Bay Area

Berkeley, El Cerrito, Richmond, Pinole, Alameda, San Leandro, Castro Valley Newark, San Lorenzo, Concord, Alamo, Danville, Lafayette, Orinda, Moraga, Pleasant Hill, Martinez, Pittsburg, Antioch, Brentwood, Oakley, Discovery Bay, Pleasanton, San Ramon, Livermore, Tracy and Fremont. Our clients also live in the Napa Valley, Benicia, Vallejo, Martinez, Fairfield.

Reverse Mortgage: Solution or Scam?

When Jeannie was having trouble making ends meet after her husband died, she asked my friend Jim what he thought about reverse mortgages. Jim spent 40 years in the financial services industry, and these guys tend to be wary of things like life insurance and reverse mortgages. As predicted, Jim told her it was a very bad idea. To her credit, Jeannie ignored Jim and decided to go through with a reverse mortgage on the home she and her husband bought more than 30 years ago.

The right decision for Jeannie and many other seniors

It’s been four years, and for Jeannie, it was the right decision. A reverse mortgage has eased her cash-flow problems and improved the quality of her life. For many older homeowners, a reverse mortgage is the ideal way to supplement retirement income, consolidate debts or cover expenses like health care.

Accessing your home’s equity and using it like a savings account

A reverse mortgage is a type of loan that’s designed to give people access to the equity they’ve built up in their homes. In Jeannie’s case, this was considerable—a lovely home in Pasadena that they bought 30+ years ago that was paid off. The borrower gets what is, in effect, a tax-free advance on their equity, in the form of a line of credit, fixed monthly payments or a lump sum. For most reverse mortgages, homeowners must use the proceeds to pay off their existing mortgage; the remainder of the loan comes due when the owner moves, sells the house or dies.

Available to homeowners 62 and over, reverse mortgages are somewhat complex, and they can be risky. With a target audience of potentially vulnerable seniors, scam artists have proliferated, drawing homeowners into bad or outright bogus deals. While the scams vary, the premise remains the same: The scammers want to put the home equity these seniors have spent years accumulating into their own pockets.

Beware a group effort by a team of real-estate industry scammers

It’s often a group effort, with unscrupulous mortgage brokers or financial advisers joining forces with corrupt appraisers, attorneys and loan officers. They’ll finagle an inflated appraisal of a home’s value, thus inflating the equity and the potential loan, and try to persuade the owner to take out a reverse mortgage. The team of crooks will handle the paperwork, close the loan and come up with a pretext to get the money or even take title to the house.

• These fraudsters might try to sell you on a supposedly can’t-miss investment or financial product.
• A scam contractor may fast-talk you into using a reverse mortgage to pay for home improvements.
• Some scammers target financially strapped homeowners, touting reverse mortgages as a way to avoid foreclosure or get out of debt.
• They may charge fees running into the thousands of dollars to provide information about reverse mortgages that’s actually available for free from the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD).

In California, you’re required to meet with a HUD counselor

Note that for a legitimate reverse mortgage in California, you must meet with a reverse mortgage counselor approved by the U.S. Department of Housing & Urban Development (HUD). This counselor is trained to make sure you thoroughly understand the benefits and risks of reverse mortgages.

Warning signs of reverse mortgage scams

• A broker or lender uses high-pressure tactics to try to talk you into a reverse mortgage.
• They claim the loan is safe because it’s insured by the Federal Housing Administration (FHA). The FHA does insure some reverse mortgages, but that coverage doesn’t protect the borrower; it’s for the lender, in case of default.
• They don’t disclose the fees, conditions and risks that come with taking out a reverse mortgage, including the possible loss of the home, which serves as collateral.

Tips for avoiding scams. Do not:

• Respond to unsolicited advertisements.
• Sign anything that you do not fully understand.
• Accept payment from individuals for a home you did not purchase.

Be suspicious of anyone claiming that you can own a home with no down payment.

To report a scam: AARP Fraud Watch Network Helpline. 877-908-3360

A Living Trust: One of the most thoughtful things you can do for your family

A Living Trust is a legal document that contains instructions for what you want to happen to your assets when you die. For my family, it meant that when my parents died, all of their affairs were in order, they had transferred all of their assets into the Living Trust and identified their heirs. Without a Living Trust, their estate would have gone into Probate and my brother and I would have been dealing with this long, expensive process—even while mourning the death of our parents.

Guideway is proud of our comprehensive Living Trust package that includes a Power of Attorney and Advanced Healthcare Directive. Best of all, we guide you through it and we prepare the legal documents. Schedule an appointment with Guideway today.

Guideway services the entire Bay Area

Berkeley, El Cerrito, Richmond, Pinole, Alameda, San Leandro, Castro Valley Newark, San Lorenzo, Concord, Alamo, Danville, Lafayette, Orinda, Moraga, Pleasant Hill, Martinez, Pittsburg, Antioch, Brentwood, Oakley, Discovery Bay, Pleasanton, San Ramon, Livermore, Tracy and Fremont. Our clients also live in the Napa Valley, Benicia, Vallejo, Martinez, Fairfield.