How Can We Support Those Who Are Going Through Divorce?

Mette Harrison is a novelist who also works in the financial industry. She was blindsided by her husband’s leaving her after six kids and 30 years of marriage. She also lost half of her friends. Sound familiar? According to a 2013 study headed by Brown University scholar Rose McDermott, if people in your close social network divorce, the risk of your marriage ending greatly increases. The result is that many divorced people find themselves losing not only a mate but the family home, their lifestyle and their friends.

Learning to accept and ask for help

One woman who was mourning the loss of friends also admits that “I didn’t know what I needed even when people asked.” One friend offered a bed until Ms. Harrison could find an apartment; another walked her through a frank assessment of her financial situation. A third texted every day for a year — a simple back and forth that she depended on to calm her panic in the early months. Her older brother set up a recurring monthly payment for rent and food plus a wish list on Amazon.

I can’t fix it, but I’m here for you

There are many ways to help those slammed by the shame, shock and economic panic of a separation or divorce. Ashley Mead, a New York psychotherapist who specializes in divorce, recommends connection. “Divorcees are losing the person they have been most connected to for their whole lives,” said Ms. Mead in an email. “They are often desperate and feel incredible shame.”

“Show up,” but forget “I told you so.” If you don’t know what to say, try this: “I know I can’t fix it but I am here for you. Trying to cheer someone up is often about calming our own discomfort.” Ensure that your friend has a place to vent, cry, laugh and think out loud.” Don’t stop inviting divorced friends to parties just because they are single. Call them on holidays even years after the divorce is over. Remember that it takes a few years to make new friends and rebuild a social network. A supportive person helps you see yourself in a bright next chapter, not someone who urges you to complain or stay mired in victim mode.

Offer to help with small projects

Divorce often means that now there’s just one person to manage daily chores–carpooling, paying bills, yard work. If you’re looking for creative ways to support a friend, think about offering to babysit one night/week, helping clean house once/month, car repair or small projects around the house.

Grief, loss and validation

For those who tell their friends they’re divorcing and their friends respond with “Great!”–that’s validation that it’s way past time to get out of a bad relationship. The language around divorce is all about failure, but sometimes it’s a victory that can help people make needed change.

The economics of divorce

The economic impact of almost every divorce hits hard; studies show that income may drop, especially for women. In an earlier article, we noted women’s standard of living may drop 27%. Details around spousal and child support take months and to get ironed out. Sydney Petite left her marriage in July of 2018 with three children. While she was awarded support from her ex-husband, she didn’t receive any payments for nearly three years. “I am where I am today because of unexpected support,” she said.

Other avenues of support could include gathering friends to pay for a few hours of an attorney’s time or organizing meal deliveries. “It can take years to get back to a stable financial situation,” said Alex Beattie, co-founder of Divide and Thrive, a downloadable financial divorce tool. “Dropping off a few meals or a few movie tickets can lighten someone’s spirits without costing much.”

Guideway’s Divorce and Mediation Services

Guideway has been assisting Bay Area couples with Divorce for nearly 20 years. While the majority of our clients may not have worked out the details, they know they are willing to reach agreement on division of assets and a parenting plan—and those are the critical components of an Amicable Divorce. Our Guided Mediation is for couples whose Divorce has stalled for whatever reasons. We guide you through it, and we prepare the legal documents. Schedule an appointment with Guideway today.

Guideway services the entire Bay Area

Berkeley, El Cerrito, Richmond, Pinole, Alameda, San Leandro, Castro Valley Newark, San Lorenzo, Concord, Alamo, Danville, Lafayette, Orinda, Moraga, Pleasant Hill, Martinez, Pittsburg, Antioch, Brentwood, Oakley, Discovery Bay, Pleasanton, San Ramon, Livermore, Tracy and Fremont. Our clients also live in the Napa Valley, Benicia, Vallejo, Martinez, Fairfield.

This article based on an article in The New York Times.

Planning Your Living Trust: Four Things You May be Overlooking

As you start thinking about what belongs in your Living Trust, here are four things that often get overlooked—and can have significant, often costly consequences.

Creating Joint Tenancy Assets

In Living Trust conversations, joint tenancy generally refers to real estate and how you hold title to a property. If two people own a property, joint tenancy (with the right of survivorship) means that if one owner dies, that owner’s interest in the property will pass evenly to the surviving owner or owners without having to go through Probate.

Funding, the process of transferring assets into a Living Trust, is part of the Living Trust process. A Grant Deed transfers real property into the Trust. This Deed will also remove property from your Trust–many banks require your home to be removed from your Trust in order to refinance. Guideway can help remove your property from the Trust, then place it back in after the Refi is complete.

Disposing of family keepsakes 

You can’t put a price tag on sentimental value. Small insignificant items that may not hold any monetary value can be important sentimental icons for family members. They can also be the cause of family strife. Smart families divide these up long before anyone dies. In my own family, as my folks aged, they encouraged us to take things home with us when we visited. Other families explicitly identify these items and their distribution in their Living Trusts. When Robin Williams died, his kids sued his wife to get possession of the substantial collection of memorabilia that their father had collected over his career. If he’d identified their distribution in his Trust he would have saved his family a whole lot of grief.

RELATED CONTENT: We Learned Many Things from Robin Williams . . . and Now We’re Learning from His Estate Plan

Assets passing outside of the Trust

Assets such as life insurance, annuities and retirement plans fall outside a Living Trust. Naming a beneficiary for these accounts supersedes whomever you might name in your Trust.

We see this one all the time. You named your ex-wife as your beneficiary for your 401k—but that was in happier times. After your divorce, you removed her as the beneficiary in your Trust. But unless you also remove her as the beneficiary in your 401k account, it’s your ex who will benefit if something happens to you.

Naming backup Executors and alternates

Think carefully about whom you name as your Executor and alternate. Your brilliant banker cousin Jerry may be the perfect choice because he totally gets this stuff, but he’s 67, he’s still sneaking cigarettes and he has a heart condition. Keep Jerry, but identify an alternate who is healthier and younger.

As you update your Trust over the years, plan to review your Executor and alternate appointments. Make sure they’re still available and capable of taking on the responsibilities of this role.

Guideway, we’re a single point of contact

When creating your Living Trust, you’ll work with a dedicated specialist who is available for questions and support throughout the process. We’ve been in business since 2003 and have expanded to three Bay Area offices–Dublin, Oakland and Walnut Creek. More than 60% of our business comes from referrals and repeat business.

We’re also proud of our comprehensive Living Trust package that includes a Power of Attorney and Advanced Healthcare Directive. We provide a hard copy as well as a soft copy of your documents. More questions? Contact us today.

Guideway services the entire Bay Area

Berkeley, El Cerrito, Richmond, Pinole, Alameda, San Leandro, Castro Valley Newark, San Lorenzo, Concord, Alamo, Danville, Lafayette, Orinda, Moraga, Pleasant Hill, Martinez, Pittsburg, Antioch, Brentwood, Oakley, Discovery Bay, Pleasanton, San Ramon, Livermore, Tracy and Fremont. Our clients also live in the Napa Valley, Benicia, Vallejo, Martinez, Fairfield.

RELATED CONTENT:

5 Steps to Funding Your Trust

Your Living Trust: Avoiding the Pitfalls

Is It Time to Check Your Beneficiary Designations?

Safe Deposit Boxes: Are They Still Relevant?

Concerns about data privacy extend to how we protect our digital records, including Living Trusts, Deeds and other important legal documents. We frequently field questions about whether a safe deposit box is appropriate for storing these documents.

Limitations of safe deposit boxes

The most basic dependency is that safe deposit boxes are limited to banking hours, so important items that may be needed at a moment’s notice are better off stored elsewhere. Think about if you store your passport, then need to take an emergency trip. Or what if your Living Trust is stored in your safe deposit box and you’re gravely injured. Your family may need to access this on a Saturday, but they’ll have to wait until the bank reopens on Monday. Other complications? One client’s bank closed for three months during Covid. In another matter, a Probate case was centered around gaining access to the deceased’s safe deposit box. If you do store your Living Trust in a safe deposit box, make sure the box is in the name of Trust and that all who need access are clearly entitled.

One central location for hard-to-replace items

According to Dave McGuinn, founder and president of Safe Deposit Specialist, a financial consulting firm, “If you have anything that is hard to replace or has sentimental value or you want to pass on to your kids, that’s probably the best reason for getting a safe deposit box. You’ve got one central location, and your family knows where your stuff is. My clients are still expanding vaults, adding boxes, and doing everything they can to accommodate their customers,” says McGuinn.

While safe deposit boxes may still be viable, brick-and-mortar bank branches are vanishing. You may have to travel farther to access or lease a new deposit box. Some big banks are moving away from safe deposit boxes, especially in their new branches. In 2020, banks closed a record 3,324 branches nationwide and opened 1,040.

A home safe: The best place to store important documents?

Home safes are a good solution, but for them to be secure, they should be difficult to move, fireproof and waterproof. The general recommendation is to make a digital copy of your legal documents and save them online, either in a Dropbox folder or the Cloud. It’s important to share the location of the safe and provide access for a trusted family member or friend.

What should go in a safe deposit box?

Items that should be stored in a safe deposit box are those that are expensive or that may be difficult or impossible to replace. Examples include heirloom jewelry, original copies of adoption papers and important family photos. Valuables such as jewelry or collectibles should be stored in a safe deposit box only if they are insured, says Naomi Becker Collier, an attorney specializing in trust and estate planning.

A sign of the times: The American Bar Association also recommends placing valuables in plastic bags or containers labeled with the leaser’s name to protect the box’s contents in case of a plumbing catastrophe or flood. Remember that climate change has changed the landscape.

According to McGuinn, “Some of the big banks put a clause in the safe deposit box agreement that you can’t put anything of value in them, which kind of takes away the need of a safe deposit box.” He notes that banks don’t vet what goes in your safe deposit box — you put items in and take items out in private – so the restrictions aren’t enforceable. Some financial institutions also advise against storing cash, guns or other potentially dangerous or illegal items in safe deposit boxes.

Insuring the contents of your safe deposit box

Be aware that the bank has no idea what’s in your box—it’s not insured by the bank, by the FDIC or by any other government agency. The contents can be insured through your own private insurer. Ask an agent about adding what’s called a “personal articles floater” to your home or auto policy. Let the insurer know the items are in a safe deposit box.

Share the location of your box with a trusted friend or relative

Once you pick a safe deposit box, let someone know where the box is. If you trust that person enough, put them on the safe deposit box’s contract. If you die, this will allow the person access without unnecessary legal entanglements and court orders. If you’ve appointed a Power of Attorney, that person may be able to access the box during your lifetime, according to Collier, the attorney. Be aware that a Power of Attorney is no longer valid once you die.

Worst things to store in a safe deposit box

We’ve learned from spy thrillers that a safe deposit box is where you store multiple passports, piles of cash in different currencies and guns. But a safe deposit box has value has a central repository for a family’s important legal documents and items such as expensive jewelry.

Here’s what not to store in your safe deposit box

• Emergency cash
• Instructions for a funeral
• Living Trust
• Passport
• Power of attorney
• Uninsured valuables

Best things to store in a safe deposit box

• Adoption records
• Armed service records
• Birth certificates
• Business/legal contracts
• Citizenship/naturalization papers
• Collectibles
• Death certificates
• Family photos
• Jewelry
• Marriage/divorce records
• Property records
• Vehicle titles

Guideway, assisting our clients in uncontested legal matters—including Living Trusts

As Legal Document Assistants, we assist our clients in the preparation of legal documents for uncontested legal matters–those in which parties are in agreement about the division of property. Our fees are significantly lower than those of attorneys. Why work with Guideway? One flat fee. There are never annoying add-on charges for copying, phone calls and other miscellany. Where appropriate, we also notarize documents and file them with the County Recorders’ Office.

We’re a single point of contact. You’ll work with a dedicated specialist who is available for questions and support throughout the process. We’ve been in business since 2003 and have expanded to three Bay Area offices–Dublin, Oakland and Walnut Creek. More than 60% of our business comes from referrals and repeat business.

We’re proud of our comprehensive Living Trust package that includes a Power of Attorney and Advanced Healthcare Directive. We provide a hard copy as well as a soft copy of your documents. More questions? Contact us today.

Guideway services the entire Bay Area

Berkeley, El Cerrito, Richmond, Pinole, Alameda, San Leandro, Castro Valley Newark, San Lorenzo, Concord, Alamo, Danville, Lafayette, Orinda, Moraga, Pleasant Hill, Martinez, Pittsburg, Antioch, Brentwood, Oakley, Discovery Bay, Pleasanton, San Ramon, Livermore, Tracy and Fremont. Our clients also live in the Napa Valley, Benicia, Vallejo, Martinez, Fairfield. 

Guideway assists our clients with uncontested legal matters, including Divorce. If you and your spouse can agree on division of property, you don’t need a lawyer, and we can save you a lot of money. We prepare the legal documents and guide you through it. 

There’s a general perception these days that Divorce is on the rise

Yet according to the Institute for Family Studies, the divorce rate reached a record low in 2019—for every 1,000 divorces, only 14.9 ended in divorce. But after a year and a half riding the pandemic rollercoaster, it’s a wonder anyone’s still married. Too much forced togetherness, economic insecurity and job loss. It’s been particularly hard on women—they’ve shouldered the bulk of childcare duties as whole families have switched to working and learning from home. But just as post-pandemic job hunters are seeking higher pay and more benefits, Covid has made many couples realize that they are no longer satisfied with the status quo. They want more from their relationships. 

According to Matt Lundquist, clinical director of Tribeca Therapy:

The pandemic has exacerbated issues that couples might have previously ignored, or tried to ignore. Alongside the enormous stress that Covid has created, many people in long-term marriages have found themselves at a crossroads. “I think this has been a forced moment of profound reflection. People are thinking a lot about what matters to them, what they want in life, what they tolerated living without that they don’t want to tolerate anymore. People are realizing that they have choices.”

 

Family attorney Alton L. Abramowitz: with SSRGA: “People are reexamining their lives, thinking: Is this the way I want to live for the next ten, 20 years?” he says. “There is this pent-up desire to move on with their lives.”

New York Magazine-The Covid Divorce: Couples want more from their relationships

He had promised he was sober, and then I found empty bottles

“What shifted for us is the lack of coping skills and distractions. We were in a very small house with our kids in lockdown. There was no place to hide. My ex’s alcoholism began to loom during the lockdown. I’m trying to raise the kids and he’s struggling with his addiction. With all of the stress of the pandemic, I needed the partner that I never got. I caught his stashing bottles around the house. My father has addiction issues, and it was not lost on me that I’m calling my mom, and she’s crying to me about this exact issue 20 years down the road. I had to end this cycle because it was not going to change.”

— Maya, 39, Montreal; married 16 years, together 21

 

She wanted a breadwinner, and I didn’t know how to get a six-figure job

“Before the pandemic, I was working for myself as a wedding photographer, and I was planting seeds for screenwriting and writing a book. I had worked hard to carve out a successful creative career. The pandemic changed things overnight—no one was having big weddings, so my income dried up; we didn’t meet our financial goals and ended the year with debt. I took a job with my wife’s company as a salesperson. The CEO loved my wife and hired me because of her. I never really succeeded in this culture. It cracked open big differences between us on how we define success and value money. We ended up separating, I moved to California and realized that I was happier alone. We are now planning to divorce, though not rushing to file papers.”

— Parker, 30, Southern CA; married four years, together seven

Why work with Guideway?

 

Guided Mediation. For those divorcing couples who have difficulty reaching consensus or for whom the Divorce process has stalled, our Guided Mediation, through a process of compromise and negotiation, assists couples in reaching successful conclusions.

One flat fee. There are never annoying add-on charges for copying, phone calls and other miscellany. Where appropriate, we also notarize documents and file them with the County Recorders’ Office. We’re a single point of contact. You’ll work with a dedicated specialist who is available for questions and support throughout the process. We’ve been in business since 2003, with three Bay Area offices–Dublin, Oakland and Walnut Creek. More than 60% of our business comes from referrals and repeat business. Schedule an appointment today. 

Guideway services the entire Bay Area

 

Berkeley, El Cerrito, Richmond, Pinole, Alameda, San Leandro, Castro Valley Newark, San Lorenzo, Concord, Alamo, Danville, Lafayette, Orinda, Moraga, Pleasant Hill, Martinez, Pittsburg, Antioch, Brentwood, Oakley, Discovery Bay, Pleasanton, San Ramon, Livermore, Tracy and Fremont. Our clients also live in the Napa Valley, Benicia, Vallejo, Martinez, Fairfield.

As we read about the aggressive spread of Covid outbreaks this fall, some of the biggest contributors are on university campuses. At least Covid 214,000 cases have been linked to campuses, and it’s student journalists who are helping tell the story. As administrators and other staff try to diminish outbreak severity and manage damage control, it’s students who are holding them accountable, trying to keep people safe.

A lot of this is about economics

Colleges and universities need student tuition and other fees, and the surrounding communities count on student spending for food, entertainment and other necessities. There’s a lot of pressure to sweep Covid scandals under the rug and pretend that everything’s normal. It’s not just staff and administrators who are trying to ignore Covid outbreaks and rule violations. Students are some of the biggest offenders. Think back to your own college days—did you really think rules applied to you?

Student newspapers are now playing a major role in information delivery

Ironically, reporting on campus Covid outbreaks can be difficult because small town newspapers keep going out of business. But here’s where it gets interesting: Campus newspapers are picking up the slack, stepping up and covering the pandemic. They’re outing the administrators who are trying to squelch the truth about the coronavirus spread on campus. They’re reporting on students who are breaking quarantine because it puts everyone’s health in danger. These students are becoming an important voice for information-sharing.

• In Arizona, The State Press broke the news that Arizona State students who were supposed to be in isolation hadsnuck out of their dorms.
• At Indiana University, The Indiana Daily Student spoke toUber drivers who had picked up students under quarantine at sororities and fraternities.
• “We all saw this coming,” wrote the editorial board of The Daily Tar Heel at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. They’re blaming administrators for poor planning as the school was forced to abandon in-person instruction.

“Student journalists are playing an incredibly important role in this moment, and they’re doing it in an environment where local news media is drying up or disappearing,” said Hadar Harris, the executive director of the Student Press Law Center.

Campus paper, The Alligator, has a staff of 60 student journalists

Kyle Wood, a journalism student at the University of Florida, works in one of the college communities where the campus publication, The Alligator, is now arguably better staffed than the local newspaper. “We’re filling holes where we see them,” said Mr. Wood, 22, who oversees a staff of about 60 journalists as The Alligator’s editor-in-chief.

• He has added new beats, including coverage of K-12 education and small businesses, to report on the pandemic’s effect on the city.
• The first story from the reporter on the paper’s new health beat followed a tip about lax safety procedures in the university hospital’s emergency room.
• Wood is also working with reporters to updatea map that tracks the city’s Covid outbreaks.

College athletics programs in the spotlight

One coverage area where campus newspapers have traditionally excelled is sports, especially at large schools where college athletics generates big money. During the pandemic, campus sports were a big story because of the economics. When highly paid coaches and high-profile athletes test positive, it becomes a political and economic matter.

• At the University of Virginia, The Cavalier Daily shed light on atesting disparity between athletes. It appears that high-profile players received tests three times a week; other athletes had to exaggerate symptoms just to get tested.
• At Villanova, the big story is their basketball team, which currently fields several strong seniors with a shot at making it to the NBA. Disruptions to the schedule can affect whether professional scouts can watch them play. “If they lose this forum, their professional career is in jeopardy,” said Emily Cox, 21, a co-editor in chief atThe Villanovan. “We’re tracking that because no one else is covering it.”

Arielle Gordon, 21, a senior at Colorado College, helped start a newsletter to report on the pandemic on campus and in the surrounding community. After a spike of cases in late August, the school’s test positivity rate has stayed below 1%.“Our audience is definitely expanding as coronavirus cases pop up,” Ms. Gordon said. “People want to know what went wrong,” she said. “We’ve been trying to find out as much we can.”

Uncertainty has driven many of our clients to create or update their Living Trusts

As the COVID crisis drags on, more clients are scheduling appointments to create or update their Trusts. Creating a Trust helps provide some peace of mind during these uncertain times.

Our Trust package includes a Power of Attorney and an Advance Healthcare Directive. It also includes a Pour Over Will, and for those families with children under 18, this means that they can name a Guardian rather than having the court appoint one for them. Best of all, we guide you through it and we prepare the legal documents. At California Document Preparers, for most of our services, we charge one flat fee. We’re helpful, compassionate and affordable.

We service the entire East Bay and North Bay areas

Berkeley, El Cerrito, Richmond, Pinole, Alameda, San Leandro, Castro Valley Newark, San Lorenzo, Concord, Alamo, Danville, Lafayette, Orinda, Moraga, Pleasant Hill, Martinez, Pittsburg, Antioch, Brentwood, Oakley, Discovery Bay, Pleasanton, San Ramon, Livermore, Tracy and Fremont. Our clients also live in the Napa Valley, Benicia, Vallejo, Martinez, Fairfield.