How Can We Support Those Who Are Going Through Divorce?

Mette Harrison is a novelist who also works in the financial industry. She was blindsided by her husband’s leaving her after six kids and 30 years of marriage. She also lost half of her friends. Sound familiar? According to a 2013 study headed by Brown University scholar Rose McDermott, if people in your close social network divorce, the risk of your marriage ending greatly increases. The result is that many divorced people find themselves losing not only a mate but the family home, their lifestyle and their friends.

Learning to accept and ask for help

One woman who was mourning the loss of friends also admits that “I didn’t know what I needed even when people asked.” One friend offered a bed until Ms. Harrison could find an apartment; another walked her through a frank assessment of her financial situation. A third texted every day for a year — a simple back and forth that she depended on to calm her panic in the early months. Her older brother set up a recurring monthly payment for rent and food plus a wish list on Amazon.

I can’t fix it, but I’m here for you

There are many ways to help those slammed by the shame, shock and economic panic of a separation or divorce. Ashley Mead, a New York psychotherapist who specializes in divorce, recommends connection. “Divorcees are losing the person they have been most connected to for their whole lives,” said Ms. Mead in an email. “They are often desperate and feel incredible shame.”

“Show up,” but forget “I told you so.” If you don’t know what to say, try this: “I know I can’t fix it but I am here for you. Trying to cheer someone up is often about calming our own discomfort.” Ensure that your friend has a place to vent, cry, laugh and think out loud.” Don’t stop inviting divorced friends to parties just because they are single. Call them on holidays even years after the divorce is over. Remember that it takes a few years to make new friends and rebuild a social network. A supportive person helps you see yourself in a bright next chapter, not someone who urges you to complain or stay mired in victim mode.

Offer to help with small projects

Divorce often means that now there’s just one person to manage daily chores–carpooling, paying bills, yard work. If you’re looking for creative ways to support a friend, think about offering to babysit one night/week, helping clean house once/month, car repair or small projects around the house.

Grief, loss and validation

For those who tell their friends they’re divorcing and their friends respond with “Great!”–that’s validation that it’s way past time to get out of a bad relationship. The language around divorce is all about failure, but sometimes it’s a victory that can help people make needed change.

The economics of divorce

The economic impact of almost every divorce hits hard; studies show that income may drop, especially for women. In an earlier article, we noted women’s standard of living may drop 27%. Details around spousal and child support take months and to get ironed out. Sydney Petite left her marriage in July of 2018 with three children. While she was awarded support from her ex-husband, she didn’t receive any payments for nearly three years. “I am where I am today because of unexpected support,” she said.

Other avenues of support could include gathering friends to pay for a few hours of an attorney’s time or organizing meal deliveries. “It can take years to get back to a stable financial situation,” said Alex Beattie, co-founder of Divide and Thrive, a downloadable financial divorce tool. “Dropping off a few meals or a few movie tickets can lighten someone’s spirits without costing much.”

Guideway’s Divorce and Mediation Services

Guideway has been assisting Bay Area couples with Divorce for nearly 20 years. While the majority of our clients may not have worked out the details, they know they are willing to reach agreement on division of assets and a parenting plan—and those are the critical components of an Amicable Divorce. Our Guided Mediation is for couples whose Divorce has stalled for whatever reasons. We guide you through it, and we prepare the legal documents. Schedule an appointment with Guideway today.

Guideway services the entire Bay Area

Berkeley, El Cerrito, Richmond, Pinole, Alameda, San Leandro, Castro Valley Newark, San Lorenzo, Concord, Alamo, Danville, Lafayette, Orinda, Moraga, Pleasant Hill, Martinez, Pittsburg, Antioch, Brentwood, Oakley, Discovery Bay, Pleasanton, San Ramon, Livermore, Tracy and Fremont. Our clients also live in the Napa Valley, Benicia, Vallejo, Martinez, Fairfield.

This article based on an article in The New York Times.

Women, Divorce and the Economic Realities

Each year, nearly 2.8 million men and women go through Divorce. In the first year after the Divorce is final, a wife’s standard of living may drop almost 27 percent. Compare that to her husband’s standard of living—it may increase by as much as 10 percent! In the nearly 20 years that Guideway has been assisting our clients with Divorce, it’s hardly surprising that women are concerned about financial survival in the high-priced Bay Area.

Many factors contribute to lowering the standard of living         

Women generally end up with custody of the kids, and child support may not be enough to cover the actual cost of child rearing. For stay-at-home moms or those who held part-time jobs, getting back into the workforce and finding well-paying jobs is extremely difficult. It takes years to get on a career path to start making a good living. Divorce is expensive—there are court costs, therapist bills, getting established in new living situations based on a single paycheck. If you are contemplating divorce, now is the time to rethink your spending. Where can you cut back and start saving money that you’re going to need?

Do your research. Talk to single moms; consult with a financial adviser

If you’re contemplating Divorce, start doing some research. Talk to your friends who are single moms. Be fully aware of just how difficult it will be—especially if you don’t have family to help with the kids. Consult with a lawyer and a financial advisor. Make sure you’ve fully considered the impact of Divorce on your kids, your spouse and your life. Think about timing. If you’ve been married nine years, you might want to stick out the last year, so you can collect on your ex’s earnings record.

Make copies of all financial documents

Make a copy of all tax returns, loan applications, wills, trusts, financial statements, your mortgage, banking information, brokerage statements, loan documents, credit card statements, deeds to real property, car registration, insurance inventories, and insurance policies. If you have assets that you brought into the marriage, these will remain yours as long as you can document your ownership.

Be suspicious. Look for signs that your husband may be hiding income

Make sure you’re including any safe deposit boxes and reviewing pay stubs, retirement plans, and insurance policies. If your spouse’s business generates a lot of cash, find a forensic accountant to look for signs of additional income that he may be hiding. Don’t overlook hobbies or side businesses that generate income. Here’s an example: My neighbor Allen makes exquisite knives in his workshop that he sells for up to $1K/each. Working with iron and metal is his hobby, and when he sells something, there’s no record of it, and he doesn’t pay any taxes. But at $1K/each, he’s generating a nice little revenue stream. California is a community property state, and you’re entitled to half of this kind of income.

Did you help your husband get a degree or pay for grad school?

My accountant put her husband through law school, and he’s now a partner in a prestigious San Francisco law firm. When he wanted a divorce, she put her savvy CPA brain to work and received a generous compensation for those years she worked to put him through school.

Consider big-picture tax consequences

Get an accountant to help you make these decisions because they will have profound effects on your future and that of your children.

• Monthly alimony or a lump sum?
• What is his retirement plan worth?
• Should you keep the family home or sell it now?
• Who pays the mortgage until it sells?

Selling the family home is a difficult decision, but in too many cases, women hang on to the house because of the emotional bonds. They want their kids to stay in a neighborhood where they have friends and feel safe. But in too many cases, that home is too expensive to maintain. The constant upkeep, the landscaping and repairs, the mow and blow guy who comes once/week. All of this becomes a burden. Better to move to a smaller home in a neighborhood that’s more affordable.

Become your own advocate. Prepare for your future

Be informed. Taking an active role in the divorce negotiations will help you reach a better settlement. During our Guided Mediation, we often see couples improving communication through the mediation process. They will need this as they raise their kids together. Stand up for yourself and get your share so you’re able to take care of yourself and your children financially.

If you stayed home to take care of your kids, you’ll need to find a way to support yourself and your children. Get career counseling and training. You may need to go back to school, so prepare for the expense of tuition and books. You’re creating a new life for your family.

Guideway’s Divorce and Mediation Services

Guideway has been assisting Bay Area couples with Divorce for nearly 20 years. While the majority of our clients may not have worked out the details, they know they are willing to reach agreement on division of assets and a parenting plan—and those are the critical components of an Amicable Divorce. Our Guided Mediation is for couples whose Divorce has stalled for whatever reasons. We guide you through it, and we prepare the legal documents. Schedule an appointment with Guideway today.

Guideway services the entire Bay Area

Berkeley, El Cerrito, Richmond, Pinole, Alameda, San Leandro, Castro Valley Newark, San Lorenzo, Concord, Alamo, Danville, Lafayette, Orinda, Moraga, Pleasant Hill, Martinez, Pittsburg, Antioch, Brentwood, Oakley, Discovery Bay, Pleasanton, San Ramon, Livermore, Tracy and Fremont. Our clients also live in the Napa Valley, Benicia, Vallejo, Martinez, Fairfield.

Divorce and Your Kids: Should you Stay Together or Split?

Couples in unhappy marriages debate whether it’s better to stay together for the sake of their kids or get a Divorce. Ask kids who grew up in volatile, dysfunctional families, and they’ll tell you endless stories about what it’s like living in a home where there’s constant tension, anger and abusive behavior. In my own home, my father was an alcoholic, and we all breathed a sigh of relief when he left. But when his truck pulled into the driveway, everything changed. We never knew what to expect. Would we get the silent treatment, moody and sullen or a violent rage that would spin out of control?

Even as a very young person, I knew my folks were a bad fit. I remember begging my mom to leave my dad, and she’d tell me that there were things I didn’t understand. She was talking about the economics and logistics of divorce, of course, which can seem overwhelming, but the stakes are high.

Our parents are also our teachers

We learn important life lessons from our parents—lessons about respect and how to treat other people. Staying together under chaotic circumstances teaches kids that this is normal behavior. And it’s a frightening lesson for kids to be learning. Is this the behavior they’ll be carrying with them into their own marriages?

Two homes free of constant arguing. It can happen

Divorce means juggling between two homes, and it takes some adjustment. The upside? The promise of a conflict-free environment. It may mean moving from the family home. It may mean a new neighborhood or even a new school. Most families figure out a new normal that works for them. Children are no longer riding the rocky road of their parents’ relationship on a daily basis. Things settle down and everyone is calmer and less combative. Kids have a chance to restore normal relationships with their parents, free of constant bickering.

Finding time to be a better parent

I spoke with a friend who finalized her divorce two months ago. She’s the custodial parent of two teenage sons, and her ex takes them most weekends. She fully expects that it will take a few more months for them to get comfortable with their new routines, but for now, she looks forward to having time to herself on the weekends. She has rejoined her old book club and is finds time for friends. Her life has more balance now. She’s also finding that her relationship with her boys has improved dramatically. They’re all calmer and more relaxed together without the previous tension.

Children learn lessons about the power of compromise

When kids see their parents co-parenting and working through issues in a Divorce, they learn that compromise is an important and effective learned skill. Working through the Divorce process shows your child how to get to a better outcome.

Seeking happiness is a valid goal!

The false value of keeping the family together to avoid the stigma of Divorce, while sacrificing the wellbeing of family members, is another life lesson for your kids. Seeking happiness is worth the effort!

Guideway, we’re a single point of contact

As Legal Document Assistants, we assist our clients in Divorce and Mediation. If you can agree on division of property and a parenting plan, we can save you a lot of money. Our fees are significantly lower than those of attorneys. Why work with Guideway? One flat fee. There are never annoying add-on charges for copying, phone calls and other miscellany. Where appropriate, we also notarize documents and file them with the County Recorders’ Office.

You’ll work with a dedicated specialist who is available for questions and support throughout the process. We’ve been in business since 2003 and have expanded to three Bay Area offices–Dublin, Oakland and Walnut Creek. More than 60% of our business comes from referrals and repeat business.

We’re also proud of our comprehensive Living Trust package that includes a Power of Attorney and Advanced Healthcare Directive. We provide a hard copy as well as a soft copy of your documents. More questions? Contact us today.

Guideway services the entire Bay Area

Berkeley, El Cerrito, Richmond, Pinole, Alameda, San Leandro, Castro Valley Newark, San Lorenzo, Concord, Alamo, Danville, Lafayette, Orinda, Moraga, Pleasant Hill, Martinez, Pittsburg, Antioch, Brentwood, Oakley, Discovery Bay, Pleasanton, San Ramon, Livermore, Tracy and Fremont. Our clients also live in the Napa Valley, Benicia, Vallejo, Martinez, Fairfield.

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