How Can We Support Those Who Are Going Through Divorce?

Mette Harrison is a novelist who also works in the financial industry. She was blindsided by her husband’s leaving her after six kids and 30 years of marriage. She also lost half of her friends. Sound familiar? According to a 2013 study headed by Brown University scholar Rose McDermott, if people in your close social network divorce, the risk of your marriage ending greatly increases. The result is that many divorced people find themselves losing not only a mate but the family home, their lifestyle and their friends.

Learning to accept and ask for help

One woman who was mourning the loss of friends also admits that “I didn’t know what I needed even when people asked.” One friend offered a bed until Ms. Harrison could find an apartment; another walked her through a frank assessment of her financial situation. A third texted every day for a year — a simple back and forth that she depended on to calm her panic in the early months. Her older brother set up a recurring monthly payment for rent and food plus a wish list on Amazon.

I can’t fix it, but I’m here for you

There are many ways to help those slammed by the shame, shock and economic panic of a separation or divorce. Ashley Mead, a New York psychotherapist who specializes in divorce, recommends connection. “Divorcees are losing the person they have been most connected to for their whole lives,” said Ms. Mead in an email. “They are often desperate and feel incredible shame.”

“Show up,” but forget “I told you so.” If you don’t know what to say, try this: “I know I can’t fix it but I am here for you. Trying to cheer someone up is often about calming our own discomfort.” Ensure that your friend has a place to vent, cry, laugh and think out loud.” Don’t stop inviting divorced friends to parties just because they are single. Call them on holidays even years after the divorce is over. Remember that it takes a few years to make new friends and rebuild a social network. A supportive person helps you see yourself in a bright next chapter, not someone who urges you to complain or stay mired in victim mode.

Offer to help with small projects

Divorce often means that now there’s just one person to manage daily chores–carpooling, paying bills, yard work. If you’re looking for creative ways to support a friend, think about offering to babysit one night/week, helping clean house once/month, car repair or small projects around the house.

Grief, loss and validation

For those who tell their friends they’re divorcing and their friends respond with “Great!”–that’s validation that it’s way past time to get out of a bad relationship. The language around divorce is all about failure, but sometimes it’s a victory that can help people make needed change.

The economics of divorce

The economic impact of almost every divorce hits hard; studies show that income may drop, especially for women. In an earlier article, we noted women’s standard of living may drop 27%. Details around spousal and child support take months and to get ironed out. Sydney Petite left her marriage in July of 2018 with three children. While she was awarded support from her ex-husband, she didn’t receive any payments for nearly three years. “I am where I am today because of unexpected support,” she said.

Other avenues of support could include gathering friends to pay for a few hours of an attorney’s time or organizing meal deliveries. “It can take years to get back to a stable financial situation,” said Alex Beattie, co-founder of Divide and Thrive, a downloadable financial divorce tool. “Dropping off a few meals or a few movie tickets can lighten someone’s spirits without costing much.”

Guideway’s Divorce and Mediation Services

Guideway has been assisting Bay Area couples with Divorce for nearly 20 years. While the majority of our clients may not have worked out the details, they know they are willing to reach agreement on division of assets and a parenting plan—and those are the critical components of an Amicable Divorce. Our Guided Mediation is for couples whose Divorce has stalled for whatever reasons. We guide you through it, and we prepare the legal documents. Schedule an appointment with Guideway today.

Guideway services the entire Bay Area

Berkeley, El Cerrito, Richmond, Pinole, Alameda, San Leandro, Castro Valley Newark, San Lorenzo, Concord, Alamo, Danville, Lafayette, Orinda, Moraga, Pleasant Hill, Martinez, Pittsburg, Antioch, Brentwood, Oakley, Discovery Bay, Pleasanton, San Ramon, Livermore, Tracy and Fremont. Our clients also live in the Napa Valley, Benicia, Vallejo, Martinez, Fairfield.

This article based on an article in The New York Times.

Covid Survivors Belatedly Update Their Living Trust

Tom and Gina came into our Oakland office to update their Living Trust—something they regretted not doing years before. Both Tom and Gina are Covid survivors. An RN at Kaiser, Gina became sick in the early days of the pandemic, and Tom soon became infected as well. Both were in their 50s, healthy, with no preexisting conditions.

Tom was moderately affected and was hospitalized for a week; Gina spent a month in the hospital and nearly died. It was four months before she could return to work on even a part-time basis. Tom’s a teacher, and he was off work for several months. After more than a year, the couple is still struggling to regain their health and stamina. Neither is able to return to full-time employment, so the ordeal has had an economic impact as well as compromising their health. Tom and Gina want to make sure that if their health fails, their two adult sons will inherit their home and other assets. They’ve named their older son, Jerry, as their Power of Attorney.

RELATED CONTENT: Your Living Trust: Avoiding the Pitfalls

Sometimes it’s hard to imagine a future without Covid

This is especially true for those Long Covid, as they call the long-term effects of the disease that take many forms, including fatigue and brain fog that make it difficult to return to work and resume a normal life. Headaches are another chronic problem, along with muscle and joint pain, sleep problems, fever and dizziness. Some people are experiencing complications as serious as organ failure.

For those who work in the food and wine industries, loss of the ability to smell and taste is another serious consequence. In one account, a woman is studying to become a perfumer. Its practitioners need a discerning sense of smell. Covid is threatening the careers of professionals in these industries.

Deferred maintenance: Another way Covid has affected Americans’ health

Health providers are seeing the consequences of more than a year of pandemic-delayed preventive and care. Think about our regular appointments to have our teeth cleaned or for our yearly physicals. These wellness checks are cost-effective preventative medical care.

Delayed response attributed to fear of going to the hospital

Dr. Brian Rah, chair of the cardiology department at Montana’s Billings Clinic, was confused in the early days of the Covid pandemic. He couldn’t figure out why there was a sudden drop in heart patients. And some patients were arriving hours after first experiencing chest pains. Two patients, both of whom suffered greater heart damage by delaying care, provided what came to be typical answers.

• One said he was afraid of contracting Covid by going to the hospital.
• The other patient went to the emergency room in the morning, left after finding it too crowded, and then returned that night when he figured there would be fewer patients–and a lower risk of catching Covid.

Delayed treatment can result in death or long-term compromised health

“For a heart attack patient, the first hour is known as the golden hour,” Rah said. After that, the likelihood of death or a lifelong reduction in activities and health increases, he said. Dr. JP Valin, executive vice president and chief clinical officer at SCL Health of Colorado and Montana, said he is “kept awake at night” by delays in important medical tests. “People put off routine breast examinations, and there are going to be cancers that are not identified, potentially delaying intervention,” he said.

• Timely treatment of appendicitis symptoms. Valin is also concerned that patients aren’t seeking timely treatment when suffering appendicitis symptoms like abdominal pain, fever and nausea. A burst appendix generally involves more risk and a week’s hospitalization, instead of one day of treatment for those who get care quickly, he said.
• 80% drop in colonoscopies. Fola May, a gastroenterologist who is also quality director and a health equity researcher at UCLA Health, worries about the consequences of an 80% to 90% drop in colonoscopies during the first months of Covid.

New medical problems emerging from the pandemic, many stress-related

Along with exacerbating existing health problems, the Covid pandemic has also caused a host of new medical issues in patients. We will be coming out of the pandemic with teeth worn down from grinding, back problems from slouching at makeshift home-work stations and mental health problems from a combination of isolation and being too close to family.

Dr. Despina Markogiannakis, a dentist in Chevy Chase, Maryland, said patients don’t argue when she tells them they have been grinding or clenching their teeth and might require a root canal, dental implant or night guard.

“These are people stuck at home all day, feeling lonely and feeling a little depression. It is induced by the world we live in and all the changes in our lives,” said Markogiannakis.

• Tooth grinding. A recent American Dental Association survey found that more than 70% of member dentists reported an increase in patients grinding or clenching their teeth since Covid.
• Stress-related teeth conditions. More than 60% reported an increase in other stress-related conditions, such as chipped and cracked teeth.
• Depression and weight gain. Gerard Mosby, a Detroit pediatrician, finds his young patients are suffering more stress, depression and weight gain than before the pandemic. Confined in their homes, many are living in multigenerational homes or foster homes or have experienced Covid illnesses or death among family members.
• Eye strain from too much computer time. Optometrist Matthew Jones, who practices in Blytheville and Osceola, Arkansas, reports worsening eye conditions for patients, some of whom stopped taking drops during Covid for conditions like glaucoma. He’s also seeing much more eyestrain “because people are spending so much time in front of a computer screen” and recommends eyeglasses that filter out blue light to his patients.
• Pain makeshift workstations. Physical therapist Kaylee Smith, who runs a treatment studio in La Jolla, California, says she is seeing more injuries related to poor posture due to makeshift home workstations used during the pandemic.Patients are reporting more pain and injuries related to poor posture.

While we’d love to put Covid behind us, we never leave home without our masks. And that remains the reality for the foreseeable future.

Guideway, creating and updating your Living Trust

We’re proud of our comprehensive Living Trust package that includes a Power of Attorney and Advanced Healthcare Directive. We provide a hard copy as well as a soft copy of your documents. More questions? Contact us today.

Guideway services the entire Bay Area

Berkeley, El Cerrito, Richmond, Pinole, Alameda, San Leandro, Castro Valley Newark, San Lorenzo, Concord, Alamo, Danville, Lafayette, Orinda, Moraga, Pleasant Hill, Martinez, Pittsburg, Antioch, Brentwood, Oakley, Discovery Bay, Pleasanton, San Ramon, Livermore, Tracy and Fremont. Our clients also live in the Napa Valley, Benicia, Vallejo, Martinez, Fairfield.