Redefining “Family”: Divorce Lawyers Divorce But Stay Connected

Vanessa Hammer and Brendan Hammer are two divorce lawyers who fell in love and married. Both came from families who had struggled financially, which helped mold their shared values and goals. Vanessa came from a large Mexican-American family in Houston. Brendan was the only child of an Hispanic mother.

When Vanessa graduated from law school in 2006 she moved to Chicago where Brendan had one more year. They planned to move to Houston after his graduation. The early years were filled with hard work as they built their careers. They traveled, made friends and were happy.

First signs of trouble revolved around their families

For Vanessa: “I sacrificed to leave my family, and I made concessions in my career in Chicago because I thought we were going back to Texas.” For Brandon, it was the death of his mother, his father coming to live with them and the birth of their son—all in one year.

By 2013, when their son was nearly three, things began to change. Brandon became snappish and began drinking too much. Vanessa learned that he he’d had an affair. This was his reaction to the events in his life.

They spent a year in therapy exploring the roots of their divide

Family was important to Vanessa. She wanted to move home to Texas and wanted another child. He wanted neither.

Divorce became inevitable

In 2014 Vanessa and their son moved to Texas. Brendan visited frequently and spent weekends with their son, who hated when his father left at the end of their visits. In the summer of 2015, Brendan left the firm where he had made partner and moved to Houston. A year later they all moved back to Chicago. “Culturally and educationally, Chicago better fit our values for raising a young child,” he said.

A living solution that was right for their family: Nesting: Two houses for three people

Despite their Divorce, they now are purchasing a home for their son who will stay in that home with one of them as they each take turns living in a separate residence that is also shared. This is referred to as nesting — providing the child of divorce one consistent, stable place to call home.

Feeling stigmatized by Divorce

Brendan feels that there’s a stigma associated with divorce, that their solution for keeping their family together isn’t understood by all. Vanessa wants people to understand that they are a family—though their living arrangement is a little unconventional.

As seasoned divorce lawyers, the economics of their Divorce were settled fairly, with the flexibility necessary to accommodate two parents living in an expensive city raising a child. Yet their incomes now must cover two households, not one. Their son is too young to understand divorce. “He knows there was a time when mom and dad didn’t live together, but he knows we are a family.” They always use the word “we”, as in “we are giving you this gift”. They made a conscious decision not to use the word “divorce” with him.

Life after Divorce: Their priority is raising their son

Having an equal partner helps when one of them travels or has other commitments. “We are clear the marriage is over, but I care about Brendan and what happens to him because he is my family,” she said. Both agree that their son is the best thing that happened to them and that they’ve grown up through the divorce process.

Is their new life better?

In some ways, yes. “I have a lot more freedom, and if I am honest with myself I found marriage restrictive.” She concurred: “I always felt I had to ask permission for everything, for having my own life apart from the family.” The move to Texas had to happen to prove that it wasn’t right for our family.

Advice for others contemplating Divorce

• Compassion for each other. Their own Divorce has made these lawyers more compassionate when dealing with their clients.
• Don’t say anything to the kids until you have a plan.
• There’s happy divorce and I’ll-never-see-you-again Divorce. Be creative and understand the range of options for divorce.
• “If there are children, minimize their exposure to adult issues,” she said. “All a kid wants to know is that everything is going to be okay. Be a rock even if you don’t feel like one.”

California Document Preparers has helped hundreds of families get divorced

Our dedicated team has helped hundreds of families get divorced. We’re responsive and available throughout the process. It starts with an office visit to review the Divorce process, responsibilities and costs. If you’re contemplating Divorce, schedule an appointment today to talk to one of our team. We’re helpful, compassionate and affordable.

A New Year: A New Start and a Divorce

A New Year. A time for a fresh start. We’re betting that even those who hate New Year’s resolutions still make silent promises to themselves that this will be the year they finally lose ten pounds, take that trip to Disneyland they’ve been promising their kids or visit their folks more often. And for the many married couples filing for Divorce, the New Year will be the time for major life changes that will have a profound effect on the lives of their families.

Divorce rates increase by one third in January

According to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, the number of Divorce filings is one third higher than normal in the month of January. Unfortunately, too many couples are more focused on ending a bad relationship than they are on taking the time to fully understand the process involved in dissolving a marriage.

Preparing for Divorce: Understanding the financial implications

The most important preparation for Divorce should include understanding the financial implications of dividing property and starting a new life as a single adult or parent. Each spouse needs to have a firm understanding of what and where all of his/her assets are and the most equitable way to divide them. If there are children, identifying custody and a parenting planare critical parts of the Divorce process.

People considering separation should review their taxes

Most of us receive our end-of-year tax forms in January, so this is the perfect month to review your earnings as well as your debts. Gather copies of documents that verify assets, liabilities, income and expenses–bank, brokerage and retirement statements and real estate documents.

Money and children are the most contentious topics for divorcing couples

Having a firm grip on your assets and liabilities puts you in a better position to negotiate and reach an equitable financial resolution. Many people are surprised at the amount of debt their spouses are carrying, which may include credit card debt that is easy to accumulate and difficult to pay down. California is a community property state, so that which is accumulated during marriage is a shared responsibility—which can become problematic when it comes to time for division of property.

Run a credit report on yourself

One financial adviser recommends running at least one credit report on yourself, as there may be debt about which you may be unaware. It can be shocking to learn that you potentially owe thousands of dollars because you have agreed to personally guarantee loans or have unknowingly underwritten other financial commitments. This kind of thing can happen when one spouse manages the couple’s finances and the other spouse remains uninformed about the couple’s fiscal affairs.

Review retirement plans and insurance policies

Review retirement plans and insurance policies to determine what changes need to be made to take your spouse off the policies and protect minor children. Something to think about: You want your life insurance proceeds to go to your children; however, if the children are minors at the time of a parent’s death, the receipt of a large sum of money is complicated. Even if a child is 18 years old and legally an adult, the receipt of a large amount of money may not be prudent. It might be better to name a conservator who would be responsible for managing the money and overseeing the wellbeing of children until they are able to care for themselves independently. If you have a Living Trust, Power of Attorney and Advance Healthcare Directive, you likely will want to make changes to these documents as well.

Saving money and stress with CDP’s Uncontested Divorce

California Document Preparers has assisted hundreds of Bay Area couples with their Divorces. We are the service providers of choice for an increasing number of couples who do not require an attorney to get divorced because they are not fighting over custody of their children and they are able to determine an equitable division of property—these are the fundamentals of an uncontested divorce. We help our clients save money and stress at what is already a very difficult time for families.

We guide our clients through the step-by-step Divorce process

Our clients fill out our attorney-approved workbooks, and we prepare the legal documents and file them with the courts. We manage the entire process and remain in touch by phone and email. Our dedicated team is compassionate and helpful; we understand the emotional impact of Divorce and work hard to make the process as seamless as possible.

If a Divorce is part of your plans for 2018, contact California Document Preparers at one of our three Bay Area offices today to schedule an appointment. We’re helpful, compassionate and affordable.

The Economics of Divorce: 6 Ways to Prepare

If you’re thinking about divorce, you’re likely agonizing over your decision. While you’d love to be living without the constant bickering and tension that you know are affecting your kids, divorce would likely mean making some economic sacrifices. Living in the Bay Area is expensive, and you’ve built a life predicated on two incomes. Will you be able to afford your current lifestyle on a single income or will you need to make changes, including selling your home? Should you be talking to your boss about a raise or looking for a new job altogether—one that pays a lot more money? What about the timing? Can you be looking for a new job while you’re in the process of getting a divorce?

Here at California Document Preparers, these are among the concerns we frequently hear from our clients. While they invariably decide that creating a new life, free of an abusing spouse or a dysfunctional relationship is worth it, there is significant anxiety associated with the decision. And ultimately, many of those anxieties are related to the economics of divorce.

If you’re contemplating divorce, here are six things to do now to prepare 

1. Take stock of your mutual assets. Take stock of account balances and understand the total value of joint assets, including checking, savings and brokerage accounts, retirement plans and life insurance policies, real property, vehicles and other acquisitions that are part of your total net worth. You will need this information as you begin the division of property.
2. Be fiscally conservative. Resist the urge to make significant withdrawals or expensive purchases prior to or during the divorce process. You’re going to have some big expenses coming up.
3. Prepare for a new career ASAP. As soon as people know they are getting a divorce, they should think about how they will support themselves in the years after the divorce. If one spouse has been a stay-at-home mom or dad, it’s time to get serious about reentering the workforce. A common mistake is waiting until a divorce is final before beginning a job hunt. By that point, precious months have been squandered that could have been spent polishing skills, getting new training or networking to build important business contacts.
4. Don’t get emotional about your home or other items. In many cases, people give up valuable assets or other rights in order to keep the family home. Selling the house can be traumatic because there are so many emotions tied to the family home—it’s where you once lived happily together and raised your kids; it may be in a great neighborhood where you’re surrounded by friends, but sometimes it’s the right thing to do. Try to look at the big picture, with the house as just one part of the overall accumulation of assets.
5. Think about the tax implications. Next to a house, a retirement fund may be the most valuable asset a person owns. But couples shouldn’t simply cash out and split the proceeds. There are tax consequences of trading one asset for another as you divide your property. The vacation home is a tax-free benefit while the 401k is taxable.
6. Consider all insurance options. Divorces commonly require one spouse to pay child support or maintain health insurance for dependents. But if that person loses his/her job or is unable to work for whatever reason—something that is all too common these days—a significant amount of support suddenly disappears. Picking up the cost of health insurance for dependents can be a significant financial contribution.

Do you have questions about our Uncontested Divorce?

We assist clients who can agree on division of property and a parenting plan. Our family law team prepares the legal documents, notarizes and files them with the court. Divorce is never easy, but we’re sensitive to the emotional needs of our clients and are in touch throughout the divorce process. We’re helpful, compassionate and affordable.